Celebrating Love, Sacrifice, and Companionship
45 years in a human life, by any account, is a long time. For most people it is more than half of their lives.
Yet, there are associations that last as long, even longer, and its sustenance is not an ordinary event. It becomes integrated in one’s life – naturally, necessarily, and yet taken for granted. It is as much there as is one’s own existence, one’s own life.
Forty-five years – a span of time that holds within it countless memories, shared experiences, and an unbreakable bond that transcends the ordinary. Today, as I reflect on nearly five decades of marriage to the woman who has been my rock, my confidante, and my source of unwavering support, I find myself at a loss for words. How does one encapsulate the depth of emotion, the richness of companionship, and the sheer magnitude of love that has defined our journey together?
Ours was an arranged marriage, brokered through our parents. I got engaged to her the day I first saw and met her. There was no courtship, no dating, no long conversations. All we had was a 10-minute-long laboured chat in the afternoon before getting engaged in the evening same day. And we were married in next two months. I knew little of her, she knew of me still less. We came from different backgrounds. She could not understand and speak the dialect that my mother spoke, and she was quite unused to the culinary practices and preferences of my home.
Today, as I complete 45 years of a conjugal bliss with a person who is as much my life as my own life is, I am unable to define this relationship of love and trust and sacrifice because no words can possibly adequately describe or circumscribe this beautiful association and companionship.
It is impossible to describe because it is so deep, so all-embracing, so intense, so comprehensive, even so complex that no articulation, no words can adequately capture it. If describing oneself is difficult, defining and describing this relationship is impossible.
It is not that we have not fought or that we never had differences of opinion. No, our fights have been bitter and prolonged and our differences huge and monumental. We have not been on speaking terms for days on end but when the reconciliation came, it was as effortless as was our fight. This phenomenon still confounds and intrigues me. In the initial years, I tried to understand and rationalise it, but this dimension of our relationship defied any rationalisation and wisely, I gave up.
Our nature and habits are almost diametrically opposite. She is an uncompromising vegetarian, I, an avid and unrelenting non-vegetarian; I have a distinct preference for spices and strong flavours in the food. Her palate is far simpler, and sophisticated; She is in her elements in the late evening and nights, my energies are at the lowest during these hours; I like to get up early and feel at best in the mornings, she gets the best sleep in the early hours of morning, but is often denied this privilege. I like to socialise; she would prefer a select group of friends. There could not be a more striking diversion between the two of us on some of the most basic human habits. And yet, these never became a point of dispute. Initially, there was an attempt to convert the other in one’s stream of life’s philosophy but amicably and gracefully we gave up. There never was rancour or remonstration on this count.
Every human has imperfections. I have many and so has she, decidedly fewer. There are likes and dislikes, many of them rather strong. There are fears and frailties, apprehensions and anticipations, proclivities and preferences, inadequacies and incompetencies, and of course ego and arrogance. The capacity and the willingness to curb these weaknesses in favour of marital harmony happens only when there is love and a desire to sacrifice. It is this aspect of her life that is so rare and exceptional. I wish I could claim similarly.
The bigger the crisis, the meaner the challenge, the greater the difficulty, her conduct and character soars in the same proportion. If she is a delightful companion of happy days, she is the goddess in the times of crisis, trials, and tribulations.
In fact, her strength of character and her courage of conviction are so overwhelming that her imperfections and occasional unreasonableness pales into insignificance.
Thus, our story is not one of seamless perfection, nor is it devoid of challenges and differences. In fact, it is the very presence of these complexities that has enriched our relationship, adding layers of depth and understanding that could only be forged through shared adversity. Yes, there were disagreements – moments when our opposing viewpoints clashed, and tempers flared. Yet, amidst the storm of conflicting emotions, there was always a guiding light – the unwavering commitment we held for one another. “Sensual pleasures have the fleeting brilliance of a comet; a happy marriage has the tranquillity of a lovely sunset.” says Ann Landers. As we slip into these sunset years, the serenity and peace of a soft soothing sunset, and its comforting brilliance lights our journey ahead.
Our differences, therefore, have been a cornerstone of our relationship – a testament to the beauty of individuality and the power of acceptance. From our contrasting culinary preferences to our divergent sleep patterns, we have navigated a sea of differences with grace and understanding. There were no attempts to change or mould one another into a predetermined image of perfection. Instead, there was acceptance – an acceptance that allowed us to embrace each other’s quirks and idiosyncrasies, celebrating the unique character of our shared existence. And yet, this behavioural equation was unequal, she in scoring far better and far more gracefully than I did.
Three years ago, when faced with the relentless onslaught of a global pandemic, it was her steadfast love and unwavering dedication that pulled me back from the brink of a definite death. As I battled against the ravages of COVID-19, it was her gentle touch, her soothing words, that served as a beacon of hope in my darkest hour. In her embrace, I found solace; in her presence, I found strength. It is a debt of gratitude that I can never fully repay – a debt that serves as a testament to the depth of her love and the selflessness of her spirit.
For me, the true measure of a marriage lies not in the absence of conflict, but in the way it is resolved. Yes, there were moments of silence – days when words failed us, and the chasm between us seemed insurmountable. Yet, in the quiet spaces between our disagreements, there was a silent understanding – a knowing that no matter how far we may drift apart, we would always find our way back to each other.
As I pen these words, I am reminded of the countless sacrifices she has made – the countless moments of selflessness that have defined her existence. In a world consumed by individualism and self-interest, her capacity to love unconditionally stands as a beacon of hope – a reminder of the transformative power of compassion and empathy.
I don’t intend to write a eulogy. My wish is to faithfully reflect my true sentiments shorn of guile or sophistication. Nor do I seek to gloss over the imperfections that have coloured our journey. Instead, I write them as a testament to the enduring power of love – a love that has weathered the storms of life and emerged stronger, more resilient, than ever before.
To my beloved wife and my partner in life’s grand adventure, then, I offer my deepest gratitude. Thank you for forty-five years of love, light, laughter, and unwavering support. May our journey together continue to educate and excite, illuminate, and inspire our children and grandchildren, serving as a reminder that true love knows no bounds and that the greatest gift, we can give one another is the gift of our presence, our understanding, and our unwavering devotion.
The following verse beautifully, eloquently and evocatively defines what an idea wife is.
कार्येषु मन्त्री करणेषु दासी
भोज्येषु माता शयनेषु रम्भा ।
धर्मानुकूला क्षमया धरित्री
भार्या च षाड्गुण्यवतीह दुर्लभा ॥
Such women are rare.
She is one such woman.
scribo ad LX 